Advanced Maternal Age

To me!!!

Today I am 35. There, I said it.

Now feel free to shower me with gifts and compliments.

Or maybe just a comment.

True Confessions Tuesday

Today I am going to lovely Marin to have lunch and do a little shopping with a friend. I am leaving around 11:30 and returning home around 3:30.

Whoop-tee-doo you say.

Well, my confession today is this will be the first time I have been away from Baby for any significant amount of time. (Unless you want to include spending several hours in the emergency room, but I don't think that counts because I wouldn't have been there if I hadn't been close to death.) And it scares the crap out of me. While I should be looking forward to a day of shopping (shopping!) and lunch (food!) and four butt-wiping free hours, I am dreading it.

Yes, Baby will be almost 1 year old in under three weeks. And yes, she will be with her Daddy, my husband, while I am out and about. And yes, technically I have been away from her for things other than ER visits, like dinner with Sister or seeing a movie with a fellow mom. But Baby was asleep at those times. And I made Husband swear he would call me if she so much as tossed or turned questionably in her crib.

All day yesterday I had this nagging anxiety about being away from Baby and I thought of cancelling my plans several times. I don't know what I am so worried about, at least my rational mind can't figure it out. But my irrational mind is thinking things like: What if she neeeeds me? What if she doesn't understand that I will be coming back? What if she realizes I am gone and thinks I have abandoned her? What if she is completely distraught over my absence for FOUR hours????

I told myself I wouldn't be one of those moms. I told myself I wouldn't get caught in that trap of Mommy is the only one who can do it right. Yet here I am thinking it would be better or easier for me to just cancel my plans and stay home.

WTH is wrong with me??? Am I even more neurotic than I am willing to admit???

My Prayers Have Been Answered or Why I Love Craigslist

Anyone who knows me knows I hate to exercise. I mean, I am the polar opposite of people like Nap Warden (you can read this post to see why). I do not enjoy anything that makes me sweat of short of breath (well, with maybe one exception...wink, wink). But, I do want to lose these last 10 effing pounds of "baby weight". I am not even sure they can be considered "baby weight" pounds now that Baby is almost one. Whatevs.

So, I was absolutely thrilled when my husband came home with this last week:


Is that some medieval torture device? No! It is a Shwinn AirDyne Comp exercise bike. They retail for around $800, but my husband found this one on craigslist for $50. Yes, $50!! It was used about 10 times and just sitting in someone's garage taking up space. We have it in our backyard (lucky for me we live in Northern California where the weather is nice the majority of the year) so I can enjoy some fresh air while I ride it.

I rode it for 30 minutes per day, three of the four days we have had it. And I must say it is not bad. Not bad at all. I have no idea really, but it seems like a good workout, what with the arms being involved and all. I have high hopes that this is an exercise routine I can actually stick to. The sweating is minimal, and I don't even have to go anywhere to do it.

Now, I can look like Heidi Klum in just a few short weeks. Right??!? Wish me luck!!

The Tooth That Ate My Blog

For those of you tossing and turning at night, losing sleep over the fact that I haven't made a blog entry in days: good news! I have not abandoned this blog. My recent absence can be explained by the fact that I developed this 20+ pound growth on my hip in the shape of an 11 month old baby.

Yes, my little darling has decided to spout two molars and the pain has turned her into a clingy, grumpy curmudgeon. Poor little thing! Needless to say I have not had much time (or energy or patience for that matter) to devote to being a witty, entertaining, and humble blog author.

I hope to return next week with a fresh perspective on life and a happier baby!

The Best Comment Ever

A couple of months ago, I came to the very tough decision of letting my baby cry to some extent when it was time for her to go to sleep. If you have been reading my blog, you know that I have tried everything to get her to go to sleep peacefully and not much works. You also know that this was not an easy decision for me, at all. I won’t bore you with all of the details again. Thankfully, over the past couple of months, Baby has gradually gotten better and better at going to sleep.

At one point, I composed a post that basically vented a little frustration and heartache I was having over this situation. I received a few supportive comments, which I greatly appreciated, but one comment in particular really touched me.

So I would like to thank this commenter that recently filled my heart with a joy that only a parent knows. A joy that says I am doing a good job, I am doing right by my child. Nothing is more fulfilling than having a fellow parent validate and support your choices as a mom. When I read this comment, the warmth of sisterhood enveloped me like a warm poo diaper. So without further ado, I would like to share this comment, in italics, and my heartfelt response with the rest of the world.

Well, I am going to be honest and tell you that I NEVER let my kids cry. Ever.

Really? Wow, that is amazing. AMAZING. To honor your motherly devotion, I created a certificate for you using a Microsoft Word template. You can download it at http://www.youarethebestmommyofchildrenthatnevercryever.com/

I figured that if they were crying, there was a reason.

OMG! I was wondering what that crying business was all about. I had no idea. No. Idea. A reason for crying. Hmmmmm, I must take a moment to ponder this philosophical gem. . . . So are you trying to say that babies cry for a reason, not just for amusement or the sheer joy of hearing such a calming and beautiful sound? Man, I wish they had told us this in the baby care class I took at the community college.

If they started to cry when I put them in the crib, they came back out of the crib and into my arms. I rocked my kids to sleep each and every night, and I never, ever could have walked out of the room and left either of them crying.

Again, I must say amazing. I am completely in awe of your motherly sacrifices. I mean, what kind of four headed sadistic monster would walk out of the room when her baby was crying? Certainly hours of rocking is an insignificant price to pay in exchange for a child that can go to sleep no other way than in mommy’s loving arms, right? I mean, god forbid a child learn that she is going to be okay if mommy leaves the room. We mommies have job security to think about here!

I know that a lot of people think you have to walk away to teach them, but I don't buy it, never will buy it, and never did it. I had a lot of friends who did it -- we had coffee and they'd cry as they talked about doing it because the dr. told them to. I would say, "So why don't you just ignore the dr.?" but they couldn't.

What a bunch of weak lemmings! That would be just like someone telling me that a baby is done permanent psychological damage if she is left to cry for any period of time and me believing it to the point that I NEVER let my kids cry. EVER. I mean, what kind of fucking idiot do you have to be to fall for this ‘walk away to teach them’ crap! Lucky these gals have a supportive friend like you to have coffee with.

Good luck and remember that a crying baby is a baby who needs something. Why not give it to her?

Oh, I totally agree. Like when my baby cries when I try to take something dangerous away from her. She needs to play with the power cord to my computer! I wouldn’t dare take it away from her and, gasp, let her cry! Or when she tries to eat the bark ground covering at the playground? Who am I to take this germ and dog piss soaked bark away from her and induce the forbidden crying? Only terrible mommies subject their children to such horrors.

She's only going to be a baby once.

Again, I cant thank you enough for clearing this up for me. You see, I thought she was going to be a baby twice. Once now, and then again when she turns 14. I don’t know how I got confused on that one. I think it was something I saw on Tyra.

Illustration Credit: http://www.theage.com.au/news/in-depth/the-mummys-curse/2007/05/12/1178899161077.html

My Inspirational Husband

My husband teases me about my blog sometimes, in a loving way of course. So when he saw a moment with our baby as potential blog material, I could have just appreciated the fact that he was thinking of my blog. But apparently the smart-ass in me prevailed...

The audio is a little unclear, so allow me to subtitle:

Husband: Honey, this would be a great blog moment... eerrrrr, entry is the word I am looking for.

Husband: What does this illustrate? What is this symbolic of? And, can you generalize it to a different context?

Me: What, my husband lets my baby play with trash bags that she could choke to death on?

Bloggy Love Post

Several weeks ago, my bloggy buddy Jaci of Ravings of a Mad Housewife gave me an award for my blog. In true slacker fashion, I not only never properly thanked her (thank you, Jaci!) but I completely dropped the ball by failing to follow the directions for passing the award along.

I will admit that part of the reason for my slackerness had to do with the fact that the blog that this award originated from is written in a language I do not speak. So although it looks like a pretty innocuous blog, I wasn’t necessarily comfortable linking back to something I couldn’t interpret. And, call me Sherlock, I have the sneaking suspicion that this award is simply a way for the originator to drive traffic to her blog.

Anyhoo… I will say that I do like the idea of giving a shout out to some blogs that I appreciate and enjoy, so in this post I will do just that. I really read, enjoy, and comment on all of the blogs in my blogroll (…unlike some bloggers who have a blog roll that is a mile long and obviously not comprised of blogs they frequent since some of them have been inactive for months or years. You know who you are, but whatevs…). So I figure I will just pick three:

It was funny in my head– I know I mention Ro all the time, but it’s not just because she is my sister from another mister. She is truly a funny and talented writer and if you are not reading her blog, you are missing out on a good time.

Mom to Bee - I love honesty and humor and Mom to Bee has a heaping helping of both. I always get a good laugh when I read her posts. And I hear she is really good looking, which never hurts.

Generation Y’all - If the name alone of this blog is not enough to make you want to go check it out (who doesn't love a girl who says y'all?), then go for the hilarious posts. Emily is a single mom with an outlook on life and sense of humor that belies her young age.

Now go click away and enjoy some bloggy fun times. I guarantee you that your baby’s naptime will be over before you can finish sifting through all of the great posts. And be sure to come back and tell me how right I was about these blogs!

Book Review Friday: The Second Nine Months

I just finished reading Vicki Glembocki’s The Second Nine Months: One Woman Tells the REAL Truth About Becoming a Mom. Finally, and I loved it. The Second Nine Months is a memoir of a new mother who didn’t exactly have the Hallmark card baby bonding experience. Although my baby bonding experience was quite different from Glembocki’s, I figured even though I might not be able to relate to what she had to say I would read the book anyway because I thought it would be a good read.

I was right, it was a good read. An excellent read. I couldn’t put it down and I was sad that I had finished it so quickly. However, I was surprised at how many times I thought to myself “I know!”, “No shit!” or “Amen, Sistah!” In fact, there was even a point where she has an epiphany about her husband’s fatherhood style that made me tear up a bit and think, “Holy crap, why didn’t I think of that?!!?!”

I hate to use the term brutally honest because it sounds so cliché, but Glembocki’s courageous memoir is, well, brutally honest. She shares thoughts and feelings that I think many moms would never admit to their closest girlfriends, much less to the world at large.

Any mother that has ever questioned her mothering skills, wondered if she was doing enough for her baby, or felt that pang of guilt because she wasn’t gushing with ooey-gooey love for her baby twenty-four hours a day will breath a thankgodimnottheonlyone sigh of relief after reading this book. The Second Nine Months is a funny, candid, and touching must read for any new mother. Five out of five pearls, for sure.

True Confessions Tuesday: Sleepy But Awake

Sleepy but awake. Sleepy but awake. Sleepy. But. Awake. These are words I have read and heard over and over. Words that haunt me when I stand in a darkened room not wanting to put my daughter down. I have a confession to make: Sometimes I put my daughter down to sleep not sleepy but awake, rather, stone cold asleep.

I sing her the little lullaby I have been singing to her for months and I rock her in my arms until she is asleep. I can see her little face resting half on my shoulder and half on my chest. She is holding her little pink blankie, satin on one side and the softest chenille on the other. Maybe she still has it's tag between her thumb and forefinger, maybe she has one corner stuck in her mouth a tiny bit. I imagine she is listening to my heartbeat, my breathing, and remembering a time not so long ago that those were sounds she heard and grew to love as she was forming inside me.

I know all of the books and the experts and the They say that you should put your baby down sleepy but awake, but sometimes I just don't take that advice. And I apologize to you, Baby, if I am doing some irreparable sleep damage that all of this well-meaning advice seems to imply.

So why do I do this?

I have been warned: One day she won't have time for you... Someday she won't be your little cuddle bug... Before you know it, she will be too cool to even talk to you... Yes, she will grow up. She will morph into a little girl, a teenager, a woman. And, I look forward to each and every stage of her life. Sometimes I like to daydream about her future, sometimes I enjoy reminiscing about her tiny baby newborn past. But at these times, as I stand there by her crib and look at her sweet sleeping face, rocking her back and forth, gazing at her for just a few more seconds, I am in the present.

ps - Happy Birthday, Baby. You are 11 months old today =)

Baby Milestones: Diaper Changing Tantrums

File this one under “Yet another thing nobody told me about parenthood.”

About two weeks ago, Baby decided she does not under any circumstances want her diaper changed. I have read about this phenomenon all over the place (as I frantically search the internet for a solution), so I know this is a fairly common occurrence. I just wish somebody would add it to that list of milestones so I could have prepared: Eight to Eleven Months – Baby will begin to resemble a wild, bucking bronco on the changing table.

As with everything else that Baby does, I think her diaper changing tantrums fall into the category of exceptional. Before she even hits the changing pad, she begins to cry. When I lay her down, she thrashes around like she is re-enacting a scene from the exorcist, minus the 360 degree turn of the head.

If I do not physically hold her down with one arm, she will turn over onto her stomach and immediately sit up. Although she instantly reverts back to happiest baby in the world in this position, this is not exactly an optimal diaper changing pose.

If I do physically hold her down, she cries and screams like a wild banshee, and stiffens up her legs, making it virtually impossible to remove her dirty diaper (with one free hand!), much less do everything else I need to do to clean her up and re-diaper her.

Did I mention the wonderful feeling of motherly bliss I am overcome with while trying to manhandle my darling baby into a clean diaper?

Yes, I have tried changing her diaper while she is standing up. That’s all well and fine for the pee diaper, but what about the poop variety?

And no, she is not in some sort of physical turmoil while lying on her back… she often sleeps on her back and will sometimes loll around on her back when she is playing. Does she have a diaper rash? No.

Have I tried distracting her with a toy? Yes, I have even tried things that are normally off limits like Husband’s cell phone. All of these distraction items are promptly thrown on the floor.

I have tried singing, making goofy noises and faces… all this seems to do is prolong the turmoil. I have even tried to explain the whole process and why it is necessary. Hey, They say that babies can understand way more than we realize.

But nothing works.

I am hoping that soon she will learn that the diaper changing will continue until she is potty trained (or potty learned, or potty proficient, or whatever the proper term for it is these days) and return to her normally sweet little self. Until then, I am going to Google “Elimination Communication for an Eleven Month Old”.

Breastfeeding an 8 Year Old

Many of you have probably seen the YouTube clip of the mother who decided to breastfeed her child until she was eight, so I wanted to give the heads up that Tyra is going to be doing a "Motherhood Controversy" show today and this woman will be a guest on the show. Set your DVR, it should be interesting.

Cry It Out: Do you mean me, or the baby?

Will there ever come a time that I can put my baby down in her crib to sleep and walk away without her sitting up and looking at me with a pitiful pout and screaming her head off? Will she continue to do this when she is fifteen?

I thought I had come to terms with the fact that Baby is not a good sleeper. And believe me, I have tried everything... from the "no cry sleep solution" to the "cry it out" method and everything in between. Still, she can be happy as a clam and calm as a Buddha until the second her little bum hits the crib and it's a red-faced-crinkle-pout WAAAAAAAAAAH!!!

In the name of consistency, I soldier on. I follow our bedtime routine with the precision of a neurosurgeon. I put her down, tell her I love, her and walk out of the room. So, the last vision I have of my darling baby every night is the "Why are you abandoning me mommy? Why? Why? WHY??!?!?" face. Sometimes, the cry stops as soon as I shut the door. Sometimes, it continues off and on for 30 minutes. Do you know how long 30 minutes is when your precious baby is crying? About 47 hours.

And leaving the room does me no good whatsoever. The knowledge of the fact that I am letting her learn to soothe herself to sleep does me no good whatsoever. Putting on my headphones and blaring music in my ears to drown out her sobbing does me no good whatsoever. I can still see her on that little monitor and even if I can't, I know when she is still awake and when she has gone to sleep. I can sense it. And until she does fall asleep, I am emotionally paralyzed; unable to concentrate on any task and ready to snap my innocent husband's head off at the blink of an eye.

She does eventually go to sleep every night. Obviously. And for her, I would just like her to enter that state of slumber in gentle, peaceful way. Is this what They mean when they describe the love of a mother for her child as an ache?

DeAnna Pappas - Kardashian?

I have a few questions regarding last night's episode of ABC's The Bachelorette. Maybe you can help me out...

Is Jesse the long lost brother of Jason Castro or what? I can totally see them shredding together.




Jeremy gets the award for Most Wooden, although his personality a l m o s t came out during his goodbye to DeAnna. Was the whole "stop the limo" stunt just an attempt to get more air time? Perhaps a mini-audition for the next season of The Bachelor?
Did Jason forget to pack his razor?

What was up with DeAnna's rose ceremony blue bubble bow dress, circa 1982? An homage to Cindi Lauper?

Speaking of DeAnna, is her real last name Kardashian?


The last thing I want to know is... are we supposed to assume that some hot lovin' occurs in the fantasy suite? I mean, maybe this is sexist of me, but I assume if you are The Bachelor you are taking a test drive with your three remaining lovely ladies in the fantasy suite. And on The Men Tell All after show, Jeremey did allude to the fact that Deanna "spent the night" with him. Isn't this just code speak for doin' the deed?

Thanks for the pics - Jason Castro: http://hissip.files.wordpress.com/2008/04/jason-castro.jpg and Jesse: http://l.yimg.com/img.tv.yahoo.com/tv/us/img/site/84/94/0000048494_20080507141456.jpg

True Confessions Tuesday

Maybe this is no big deal to you, but since I fancy myself A Writer, and I like to poke fun at other people's misuse of the English language, this is a big deal to me.

Until about two years ago, I thought the phrase "for all intents and purposes" was "for all intensive purposes". The thought that I have said or written this phrase incorrectly for years makes me cringe.

Now it's your turn... Confess!!

Dairy Queen: How can I get Baby to eat some vegetables?

When Baby first started eating solids, she was a wonderful eater. I made all of her food myself (yes, I even ground millet grains into porridge for her), so she was introduced to a very wide variety of fruits and vegetables. And she would eat everything, with the exception of purred zucchini (which I tasted, and let me say that I don’t blame her for not eating it). I thanked my lucky stars because she certainly is not a good sleeper, and I have heard many a mother lament about her “picky eater.”

Baby started self feeding finger foods around 8 months. It didn’t take her long to decide she no longer wanted to be spoon fed anything that she could feed herself, so the purees were history. Then she slowly started to weed out all vegetables. Now her diet consists of fruit, bread, and dairy, with dairy being the sure fire winner at every meal.

I know the “experts” say if a child refuses to eat something, that doesn’t necessarily mean she doesn’t like it. Apparently, you may need to offer that food to a child up to fifteen times before she will accept it. Well, I can only take so many evenings of my little darling frantically swiping a pile of peas or carrots onto the floor in a frenzied attempt to let me know she would like the cheese now, please.

And speaking of cheese, I am starting to refer to her as the Dairy Queen. She loves cheese so much, it is one of the few words she can say. (Actually, is something like zhjeeeeeshj, but I know she means cheese.) String cheese, cottage cheese, yogurt… all of these she will eat in unlimited amounts if I let her. I guess it makes sense since for the first six months of her life she subsisted on nothing but breast milk. Breast milk is dairy, right?

I have tried many different vegetables in many different forms at varying temperatures and textures. She is not having any of it. Even her all time favorite veggies have been flung to the floor in a fit of dairy-deprived rage. They say that a baby’s main source of nutrition in her first year of life is breast milk or formula (actually I have read this many places, but my favorite resource for all things breast feeding is KellyMom), but Baby is going to be one year old…GASP… in just a couple of months. Then what?

As a last resort, I am thinking about disguising little bits of vegetables as dirt and hiding them in the door jams, behind the couch, and underneath the kitchen table because Baby seems to have no problem seeking out and putting in her mouth every minuscule bit of debris she finds in these places. There has got to be a better way! And I would be forever grateful if someone would please share it with me.