Do These Mom Jeans Make My Butt Look Big?

When I was very young, my mother never bought clothes for herself. It wasn't until I was in Middle School that she started purchasing clothing for herself, and even then she was shopping at places like Stuarts in Town East Mall. If you are not familiar with Stuarts, think bargain basement clothing store where the clothes are arranged by color. And even at these shops, my mother would only buy things that were on the clearance rack.

I know part of the reason she did this was because she was spending her clothing money on my brother and I rather than herself. I also know that part of the reason she did this was because she liked to play the role of the martyr and tell my brother and I that she didn't have any new clothes because we got all the new stuff.

I always told myself that when I grew up, I would find a way to be a stylish mom while keeping my child properly clothed at the same time. As I got a little older, I began to notice that many moms seem to drop out the realm of hipness in many arenas: clothing, music, hair style, etc. I often wondered what it was that made them give up.

Now I know.

I don't want to be a frumpy shlumpadinka (yeah, most days I hear Oprah's voice calling me a shlumpadinka as I slide on my Old Navy yoga pants and the hoodie from the High School I taught at three years ago), but it seems almost unavoidable.


First, there is the time issue. Baby is 16 months old and I am just now at a point where I feel like I can get her fed, diapered, dressed, loaded into her carseat (complete with diaper bag full of all the necessities) and still have time to actually consider what I am wearing and maybe even throw on a little mascara. I thought when I had more experience as a mom and more time (thanks to a more independent/older child) that I would return to my put-together and fashionable looking self.


Of course it is not that easy. I am realizing time is not the issue here. I have missed over two years of normal fashion trends thanks to 9 months of pregnancy/maternity clothes (yes, I was one of those lucky people that started showing and thus needing to wear maternity clothes beginning at 12 weeks) and that lovely "4th trimester" where you look about 5 months pregnant for about 6 months after giving birth (What? Did you walk out of the delivery room with six-pack abs?) coupled with the fact that I have been focusing on Baby for the past 16 months rather than the style pages of Elle magazine.


Can we also throw in the fact that my body has changed, ahem, a bit. So I am not really confident in knowing what looks good on my body. But I do know you aren't going to be seeing those skinny jeans on Pearl any time soon. And while we are on the topic of those damned skinny jeans... HELLO!!! Those are for women with match-stick legs. If you have much more than femur hanging down from your hips, those jeans do not look good. And I have to laugh at the fact that it is quite possible that the skinny jean isn't even trendy any more, but that is my point... how would I know??!?!


So anyway, here I am, removed from the fashion world for two years and I have no idea what to wear. I see other moms wearing these type of boots...


But, I always see them with their jeans tucked into the boot... and the two pair of jeans that fit me are Seven For All Mankind with a flare leg, which I don't think I could cram into those boots. So does this mean I need to find new jeans? Because I am thinking my jeans are out of style anyway... too low on the rise, to flared at the leg... but I have no idea which jeans are in style now and I already said I am NOT buying those damn skinny jeans and looking like a Glamour Don't. And once I get this boot and jeans thing figured out, what in the hell am I supposed to wear for a top?


Okay, I am starting to hyperventilate, and I haven't even gotten to the whole accessories thing. I think I've been seeing all of these cute belts being worn over shirts, up high, like some sort of extra boob support. I wouldn't even begin to know how to pull that off, but it's just as well because that trend is probably over by now anyway. And how about those gigantic clunky rings I am seeing everywhere. How am I supposed to change a diaper wearing a ring the size of a jar of baby food?

Every time I think about trying to get my act together, I feel so overwhelmed, I just want to give up. Do I have the time and money to replace my entire wardrobe? No. It doesn’t matter because even if I did have the time and money, I wouldn't know what to do with it. So I guess this is how it happens: my mom got off the bus in 1973 and here I am about to step off into 2006 for all eternity.