The Second Time Around....

Dang you, Mom to Bee!!!! I guess maybe I might be back a little bit, kinda.

Before I get into my big explanation for returning, let me make some things clear: I am doing this for me now. No ads (so yeah, BlogHer, you can stop sending me those checks for zero dot zero zero dollars), no obsessing over hits and comments (but I will still peruse Google Anal Tics for funny search terms), and no shameless trolling for new readers (I am even considering getting all crazy and ::gasp:: deleting my blogroll).

In fact, I am turning comments off because although I may continue to read my favorite blogs, I probably won't be commenting on them... so I feel it's only right that I don't even have an insinuation of pressure for a reader to comment on my blog. It's nothing personal, it's just how I am trying to find balance. If you don't like it, stop reading my blog and buh-bye. And if something I have posted has stirred your soul so deeply that you just can resist giving me some feedback and feel like tearing your hair out because I have disabled the comment option, feel free to email me.

Of course I reserve the right to leave the comment option enabled on certain posts at my whim and fancy because, hello, this is my fucking blog. And I will leave the comment option on for this post so you can easily welcome me back or tell me what a selfish twat I am.

Now that that is out of the way, on to the good less-boring stuff...

The reason I am back? Well, I have embarked on an endeavor that will give me countless pages of self-absorbed posts: I am trying to get knocked up again. Most women I know get very obsessive and neurotic over trying to get pregnant and I am no exception. In fact, I kindof think I take the obsessing to a new level, but maybe every woman thinks this.

I was always jealous of the bloggers that starting blogging while they were trying to conceive, and then through their pregnancies, and on through their newborn days. I had journals here and there... several paper and one electronic...and little journal books and whatnot with ultrasound pics and fill in the blank type questions... even a dream journal.... but I always wished I had a centralized account of that whole period of my life. Now's my chance?

And then when a girlfriend of mine (a fellow mother who just happens to be 6 or so weeks pregnant with her second child) told me I should have a blog after a funny series of email messages, I thought that was a definite sign from the universe. So to catch you up to speed, and out of sheer laziness, I am going to share said email thread, edited as I see fit of course. This thread spans the course of several days and obviously my friend does not know I did have / do have a blog.

And thus we begin the chronicle of me attempting to get knocked up....

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me: we haven't even done it yet, and i am obsessed with being pregnant. god help me. here's what's on my mind right now.... if I DO get pregnant today, that would mean technically I am two weeks pregnant right now. how's that sound for a FB status update?

friend: i'm still pooped from yesterday. you should be feeling some of that fatigue 2 weeks into your pregnancy too, which is why you're probably taking a nap now too.

me: my trip to target was a success... the first response 2 pack was on sale, as was the clear blue easy digital two pack, both around $7.99 each. and they made it into the house and tucked away in the bathroom cabinet undetected. maybe my child will be interested in this strange ritual in a couple of weeks and thus become potty trained via peeing on a stick intrigue.

friend: i was, again, unable to come up with a witty, yet not giving it away comeback to your fb post about target. i'm even afraid of posting fb status updates because i'm afraid of giving my not-news away. i keep thinking people who don't already know (which is most everyone) will put it together if i mention how i have overcome 33 years of a deep hatred for avocados and have made and eaten guacamole 3 times in the last 9 days and loved it.

regarding stick peeing, i did start to get obsessed with the amount of time and accuracy with which i was peeing on sticks and i switched over to peeing in a little cup, and i have to say the experience is a lot less stressful. that might have been a little bit TMI.

me: okay, so funny that you mentioned our due dates because i totally looked mine up last night... mar 20. i forgot to warn you how obsessive i am and the fact that i believe in "signs from the universe"... like the fact that the digital tests were on sale after we just had a conversation about me needing one to convince my husband when i am pregnant, that is totally a sign. and i took the fact that your child walked up to me at the library this morning and handed me a book titled "Are You My Mother?" as a sign as well. uhm, yeah, there have been more signs but i think i will stop now before i scare you. who needs to spend $$$ on stupid pregnancy tests when the universe is OBVIOUSLY letting me know i am pregnant??!?!

and speaking of obsessing, my current obsession is my luteal phase and the fact that it is too short. i am convinced that my body is not creating enough progesterone and therefore making my lp short which means even if i do have a fertilized egg it wont implant because my lining is not sufficient so i now want to go to walgreens as soon as my husband gets home and pick up some B6 and progesterone creme and killmenowihavetoomuchtimeonmyhandsandneed todisconnectmyinternetserviceoratleastdisablegoogle.

friend: oh my god, remind me i need to set up an rss feed to your blog. oh wait, you don't have a blog, but damn, i think you should, you are such a riot!

i have always obsessed about a short luteal phase and have been convinced both times while trying to conceive that that was why i wasn't conceiving. it happened again even on the one full cycle i had before getting knocked up this time. but then, it happened so i'm kind of thinking that maybe your body knows no conception happened and it just gives up a little early because it's like, "feh...".

me: blogging would cut into my Lost viewing time. and my looking up obscure pregnancy and conception related factiods on the internet.

speaking of, maybe we are not so crazy. spotted this morning on a forum: "Other than that...How many of you women out there have gotten pg by having {sex} in a shower? I see the chances as very slim, but my dh is hurting {in his back} so we are unable to do anything again this cycle... I can't imagine it actually working, seeing as I was sorta standing up, {sorry if TMI} plus the water factor. If anyone has ever experienced a pregnancy this or any other unusual way, please let me know...." uhm, okay. i do like the {sex} brackets, adds pizazz to your question i guess.

i forgot to say, the wonderful thing about the Internet is that if you search hard enough you can find support for any theory you want. like the fact that luteal phase defect is a myth. or that "implantation spotting" (what the fuck is that by the way? like a microscopic cell can make such a huge dent in your lining that you are going to start gushing enough blood that you could possibly confuse it for a period? what?!!!?) can occur 3 days past ovulation? because yeah, i started spotting this morning. on day FUCKING EIGHTEEN OF MY CYCLE. WHO HAS AN EIGHTEEN DAY CYCLE??????!!!!!!!?!?!?!????? FUCK!

so now i have convinced myself that it IS in fact implantation spotting but since it supposedly takes 3 days for your fertilized egg to travel down your fallopian tubes into your uterus, the egg has implanted in one of my tubes and i might die. either that or i have some super powered fertilized egg and it flew down my fallopian tube faster than the speed of light and it slammed into the lining of my uterus with such force that it caused some spotting. ON FUCKING DAY EIGHTEEN OF MY CYCLE! WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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So that's where I am at right now... 3 DPO, (at least according to my cycle tracking software, which I look at approximately 683 times per day thinking a window will magically pop up that says "Yes! You are pregnant!") and just waiting waiting waiting. Waiting for something to happen or not to happen. And the ironic thing is that the husband and I weren't even going to start trying for another baby until our daughter turns two.... which is only about 7 weeks from now, but really.

Tick tock tick tock tick tock. And I told myself I wouldn't obsess the second time around....