Bloated Expectations

Those of you well versed in trying to get knocked up already know that I am the period of my joyous monthly cleansing cycle (yeah, I had a yoga instructor that called the women's cycle as such. I murdered him while he was doing gofuckyourself savasanah) that is referred to as the two week wait, or 2ww. Just so you know, the two week wait refers to the two weeks post ovulation in which you are waiting to NOT get your period.

Before I go off on some fertility/conception/pregnancy/parenthood acronym bitch fest, I would just like to say that I believe that post has been written and rehashed and pummeled into the ground. So I will not bore you. At least not that way.

So anyway, it may be hard to believe judging from my previous post, but this is actually the best part of your cycle if you are trying to get pregnant. At this point, you have done all you can do (punny!) and you can just relax (yeah right!) and let nature take it's course. And this is a time of hope... you don't know if you are pregnant, but there is no reason to believe you are not, so you can feel hopeful and excited. Maybe, maybe, maybe!!!

This is the time to think all your happy thoughts and daydream about life's possibilities. This is the time to talk about children's names with your husband, even though his response is, "Honey, I am trying to concentrate on breathing." Okay.... uhmmmm.... yeah, file that one under manslation.

Speaking of manslation, the husband and I were recently talking about the death of Michael Jackson and he (the husband, not Michael Jackson) admitted to not being very familiar with MJ's discography. However, he did say he liked that one song, "Billie Jean King". I swear, I can't make this shit up. Digressing!

I especially feel this hope and excitement just 4 days into the two week wait. Because no one is crazy enough to think of taking one of those early pregnancy tests just 4 days in. There is no WAY it could be positive even if you are pregnant. I know, I know, some wackadoo on immoreobsessedwithgettingpregnantthanyouaredotcom got a positive pregnancy test when she got up to go pee 5 seconds after she ovulated and had her way with her husband, but I am talking about the real world.

And at just 4 days in, I can even still tell myself that I will not test until I am late even though we all know that it will sound perfectly reasonable to pee on a $8 piece of plastic and cardboard a mere four days from now. But that's four days from now... that's an eternity!!

This is also the time when you could quite possibly be checked into a mental institution for hearing things and hallucinating, also known as: experiencing early pregnancy symptoms. Okay, come on people. Let's be rational. You do NOT have pregnancy symptoms when you are less than three weeks pregnant! But there are women who swear they do.

And I am one of them.

When I was pregnant the first time, I had this bloated feeling that began before I was even late, I swear. And it wasn't a normal bloat. (Are you still reading this?? Really???!?!) It was very distinctive. I didn't think anything of it at the time, and as you all know, or at least you do now, that pregnancy ended in an early miscarriage.

The second time I got pregnant, I tested positive three days after Thanksgiving, two days before my two week wait was over. But I knew I was pregnant Thanksgiving night. Riding home from my husband's sister's house, I felt that same distinct bloat and I thought to myself, "this is how I felt when I was pregnant last time... maybe...."

You are probably thinking I had too many helpings of pumpkin pie. But, I swear, I knew!

Okay, it probably IS coincidence, but that isn't stopping me from hoping I feel bloated in a few days.