I'm Still an Asshole

My period still hasn't shown up and I am still spotting. Five consecutive days of spotting, what the fuck is that? And like more than a week before my period is due. If I am not pregnant, is something wrong with me? And if I am pregnant, what does all of this fucking spotting mean? I will surely worry about the pregnancy for the entire 40 weeks. Oh who am I kidding, I will worry for all eternity.

And my mind is like a veritable ping pong ball.... I am so emotional, I must be pregnant! No, asshole, you are emotional thanks to your new found obsession with getting pregnant. I feel nauseous, this must be morning sickness! No, asshole, you are nauseous from all of the stress you are putting on yourself obsessing over whether or not you are pregnant. I feel bloated, it's a sign! No, asshole, you feel bloated thanks to that greasy leftover eggplant in spicy garlic sauce.

And why why WHY does it always happen: when you are trying to get pregnant, you find out some pigface you used to go to high school with is pregnant?!!? Who in the fuck announces that they are pregnant via a Facebook status update anyway? Can you say douchtastic???? Well, hello world, let me just also announce that said Facebook fake-friend of mine also totally ripped one in 10th grade English class when she bent over to pick up her folder and then tried to deny it and people called her "Tater Cutter" and threw french fries at her in the cafeteria for weeks. Or maybe it ways days. Okay, I feel much better now. Yeah, I'm mature.

So anyway, back to me me me... At least I have not been out of my mind enough to actually take a pregnancy test. Everyday, I tell myself that my period is going to show up the next morning, but nope. Still, spotting is spotting and that is technically bleeding and who takes wastes a perfectly good name brand pregnancy test when they are fucking bleeding??!!!?? Only an asshole. But I really really really want to take a test, so I guess that makes me an asshole too.

Carry on...