With All of This Blind Faith I Should Start a New Religion

Consider yourself warned: If you are my husband or my brother's foxy coworker or anyone else that gets squeamish at impropriety, you should probably skip today's post.

So I am on day 20 of my cycle, and spotting again. First spotting was spotted at day 18, then the universe decided to fuck with me a little bit and stop the spotting for a day, and now it is back. And I am feeling cramps. I would say my period will show up tomorrow morning with her suitcase and a bundt cake with a "Fuck You" written in the glazed topping.

And why am I so pissed / depressed anyway? We aren't even supposed to be trying to get pregnant until next month. This was like a bonus round, a practice run if you will. And HELLO, who gets pregnant on the first try??!!?! No body would appreciate it if it were too easy. Gah, what the fuck is wrong with me???!!!!

Besides the fact that this looks like my body is telling me that I am not pregnant, I am pissed off that I would be starting my period on day 21 of my cycle. Dear Uterus, three weeks is not a proper fucking cycle! So now of course I am worried that something is wrong with me. How can a person possibly get pregnant if she gets her period three days after she ovulates? Fuck!

But, wouldn't you know it's true, hope springs eternal. I must be the biggest fucking asshole on the planet because I still think that maybe there is some chance that I could be pregnant. Yeah, my speed demon fertilized egg not only traveled down my fallopian tube at the speed of light, but must also be roughly the size of a soft ball because when it hurled itself into wall of my uterus it displaced enough of the lining to make it appear and feel as if I am getting my period. And my uterus must have also decided that it needed to enlarge by about 6000% in the last four hours to accommodate this ginormous soft ball, thus explaining the period like cramps.

Yeah, even though my uterine lining is CLEARLY falling out of my vagina, somewhere deep inside my pathetic little heart, I still believe that I could possibly be pregnant.